The whole thing of saying, ‘i’m now on the other side of my twenties’ feels appropriate this year. I really do feel the right age i am. It’s scary to think i left school TEN YEARS AGO, that blows my mind. I went and met up with my school friends the other week, back in Doncaster. My best friend through secondary school emigrated to Australia pretty much after we left and our little group of six all went our separate ways following various career paths. Whenever Laura comes back to the UK for a visit we all get together and go out for food, drinks and a dance in Donny and tell old stories and laugh about stupid shit.
The whole TEN YEARS AGO thing was a bit of a focus topic, like seriously, WHAT. It sounds crazy to say, like i can say ten years ago and still see myself as a fully functioning person who made decisions but ten years sounds ridiculous. I think this is when you see you’re a proper adult, when you can fraction your life like that. At the same time, leaving school does seem mental amounts of time ago and the person i am now on paper is drastically different. The cool thing is though we all get along just as we did then, we all have the same personalities, traits and ways. The annoying things are still the same but we’re largely more self aware and all the best bits are still exactly the same. We were talking about a time when Laura has been hanging out with this older girl who lived next door to her and i found out she had been going into the woods and smoking with her. For some reason it really upset me (we were 13, just so you get an idea) and i made her handwrite out a promise with a tickbox at the bottom that promised she would never do it again and how she was really sorry and also sorry she’d upset me. I can’t in a million years get back to that kind of headspace where i’d ever do that or even view that as an issue for me to behave in that way, how strange is that? Like some kind of outer body experience!! We were joking about it and i said it was so ridiculous and i can’t get my head around it and Laura replied ‘well you always liked to control things didn’t you,’ and then laughed. For a milisecond i felt offended but then quickly my brain was like shuuuuut up and i laughed with her. It’s totally true if i think about it and it was a realisation again of my development as a person and also how you can completely change as a person in some ways, but in others, not at all, not one bit.
It’s another year of different people around for your birthday, quite possible the most vulnerable day of the year i’d say, i always feel crazy emotional and intensely precious on my birthday. I think about all the people that used to be around, family members that are no longer with us, old friends i have fond memories of but now things aren’t like they were, people who i was once really really close friends with and now things are completely broken with always plays on my mind. I
I’ve always been pretty self aware and so when i look back at situations i can always accept what i’ve done wrong, what the situation was, what the feelings were in it etc and despite not regretting decisions, you can’t always look back happily with how you dealt with things at the time or the person you were back then and how you handle your shit. There are people in my life now who were once involved a lot more so and i miss them and also people who i no longer speak to at all really, i miss so much about them and the things we shared/had, great memories etc. It always feels weird to look back at great shared experiences and not be able to just text that person or fb them and gush about it.
One thing that’s for sure, when i look back over the last 10 years, this huge period of time where i can be assured that i made decisions for myself, almost as an adult at 16 and throughout the last few years is that despite feeling very much the same and my general personailty to be consistent, i’ve changed in a BIG way when it comes to making mature decisions, taking a breather before i say things and really thinking about things before i do them. I have been a total pain in the arse in the past, writing things and people off and basically just legging it without tackling the problems and trying to solve them or talk it through, i was almost a fan of ridding and running, hoping that without having the problem so close to me and as intense it would go away faster and be easier to deal with. Instead my mind runs through this shit constantly even to this day and i find it increasingly hard to get behind the decisions i made in the heat of the moment and full of crazy intense emotion. I’m a lot calmer now and am a lot more sure of my feelings, have a lot more time to think about things and also a lot more honest with my communication from the get go. I wonder how it’d be to bump into certain people or reconnect but then i think, you know what i probably don’t derserve it, those people might not forgive me/ want to speak to me etc and that’s totally fine of them to make that decision. One of my oldest friends forgot my birthday this year and it felt so shit i can’t even tell you. It was on top of me being really hurt by them forgetting other important things in my life too and us trying and failing to rebuild things again due to i guess just distance, time passing and us both changing It’s so upsetting that relationships that were once so important can turn into what they are now. One of the main things i’ve learned in the past 10 years is how to be a better friend with the new people i meet and better the existing ones, how to work with people more equally, how to read signs when a relationship or friendship becomes unhealthy and things need to be discussed and also not to get involved in crazy intense friendships so much as they seem to be the major turbulent ones that end in FLAMES! Yes, i feel my age this year for sure. 2011/2012 has been a wild period so far for relationships, friendships, major life changes and goals and pretty much a new improved version of myself that i’m learning to build up to feel good about and try and let the old stuff go instead of letting it haunt me or in some cases, keep trying to rebuild and it continue to fall. It’s been an absolute 50/50 in feeling the best and worst ive ever felt so now i feel at a good point to carry on, savour the awesome things happening and people around me and learn from those damn last 10 years!